The Mystery Date
by booksonclouds
Summary: Carter got on a dating website and goes on a date. But with who? One-shot. PARODY. CRACK-PAIRING. Warning: Do not read if eating or suffer choking hazards. Don't use the bathroom while reading this either. Or enjoy diarrhea.


**A/N: This is what happens when you have no one to talk to at night. You think about your favorite KC pairing and post a story about it. This is PARODY. Parody, got that? It would NEVER happen. Okay, have a cookie? -hands a cookie to reader-**

**I dedicate this story to Animal Charmer 11, I'mDifferent-GetOverIt, MuseGirltheauthor, and TKCPJO39CLUESFAN because they just love this pairing. It's their favorite pairing, just like mine! :D (But not REALLY.)**

**I don't own the Kane Chronicles. Maybe someday...**

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><p><strong>Carter<strong>

First of all, I'm not a dating kind of guy. I would turn red during dates, stutter over conversations, and struggle to pick out the right tuxedo or dress shoes. I hate to get all formal, but it's sort of nerve wracking, not to mention all the stress your little sister puts on you.

"It's a mistake," Sadie said. She was flipping through a sports magazine and chewing bubblegum.

"You're just jealous." I smirked.

"Jealous?" she laughed. "The girl is going to look you over, shake her head, and tell you that she's made a mistake. Then she'll go off to her real boyfriend… A hot babe with a six pack."

I buttoned up my shirt and turned to her.

"And no Carter, you do not have a six pack."

I shrugged off her words and walked out the door. I was going to walk a few blocks down to a little Brooklyn restaurant.

Sadie could say what she wanted to say. She was just angry that while I got all the dates, she stayed stuck in her little dream of her and Anubis.

The truth was I had been dating different girls over the past month. My dad, Julius (A.K.A. Osiris), gave me a little pep talk about a month ago. Here's how it went.

"_Carter, son, it's about time we get into some grown-up talk," my dad sighed. I was visiting him in the Duat because he had called me down._

"_Grown-up talk?" I groaned. "Dad, I already know about that stuff."_

_A flicker of confusion flashed across my dad's face before he chuckled. _

"_Carter, we're not going to talk about that stuff," he told me. "I brought you down here to tell you about getting married. It's about time. You need a royal wife to help you in times of need and gain your powers if you perish."_

_I was utterly shocked._

"_Dad, I'm eighteen!" I protested. He couldn't be serious, could he? I looked to see if he had any joke lines on his forehead, but he didn't. Was this actually my dad?_

"_I know son, but with Apophis rising…"_

_He didn't finish that thought. I understood well enough that a wife would heal, protect, and even share power with her husband. A wife would be able to help me when Apophis came out of the Duat, and she would raise the chance of surviving against the serpent._

_But I just wasn't ready. I was eighteen, barely old enough to sell things on E-Bay. I couldn't get married!_

"_Carter, it's the only way to protect the world," Julius said._

_I sighed._

"_And your trainees."_

_I closed my eyes and thought about it._

"_And your family."_

I shook myself from the flashback and continued walking to the restaurant. It was just going to be another date to judge and see if the girl was 'pharaoh' enough.

I walked in the restaurant and told someone that I had a table reserved under the name of "Kane".

The lady at the front desk took her glasses off to look at me closely. "You're the Carter Kane?" She didn't sound or look impressed.

"Yeah, that's me." I tried to smile, but with her death glare it was impossible.

She sighed and flipped through a little box under the desk. "You're just not what I expected when she said 'hot and sexy'," she muttered under her breath. "Here we are." She found an index card and handed it to me. It said:

_Hey, Carter Kane. I'm sorry; I can't make it to the restaurant. Meet me in the alley behind it instead. _

_Love and Giggles,_

_Your Future Wife_

I nodded once and said goodbye to the lady at the desk. She stared me down as I left.

To tell you the truth, I didn't know what to expect from the possible 'future wife'. I met her on a dating site, and she didn't have a picture to go along with her profile. She could be incredibly ugly or super pretty. She could be anything! Nevertheless, her looks wouldn't matter because she had the exact same interests and personality as me. That's all the mattered, right?

I entered the alley and walked down it's dark path. My dress shoes made clapping noises against the pavement as I looked down at my watch. It was nine o' clock. Where was she?

After a few seconds, a shining light sparkled at the end of the alley. I walked closer to get a better look. The light seemed to be getting closer to me! I started to turn the other way, but the light was too fast. It grew bigger and got closer as I ran for my life. It finally reached me and engulfed me in it's white flame.

When I opened my eyes, I was terrified to realize I was in Apophis's chamber. Dead scarab shells surrounded me everywhere I tried to crawl. A sickening smell had drifted to my nose as well.

"_Carter…_" A voice whispered. It was in between an old man's voice and a smoker's. Almost like Vlad the Inhaler's.

"_Carter…" _it said again, freaking me out. How the heck did I get in Apophis's chamber in the Duat, and why was that voice saying my name?

"_Carter, I lied that I was a woman on that dating website,_" the voice said.

"What are you then?" I asked nervously.

"_I'm down here, come and see,_" the voice told me.

I dug around in the shells and leaped back to find an amber eye staring up at me.

"A-Apophis?" I stuttered.

"_Yes, Carter,_" it answered.

"W-W-What do you want?" I asked. I was about to pull out my sword.

"_I just wanted to get to know you, Carter,_" it said.

"How did you give the note to the lady at the restaurant?" I stalled, trying to reach for my sword in my Duat 'locker'.

"_Carter, I've developed these deep feelings ever since I saw you with those other girls._"

I choked. "Really?" I furiously tried harder to get that stupid sword out.

"_I got so jealous, I made a dating account._"

Was this a joke? Then again, Apophis didn't joke. Apophis even talked?

"_I love you, Carter._"

I about fainted right then and there, but something stopped me. This was what I had been waiting for my whole life. I just had to accept it.

"I love you too, Apophis."

"_Then kiss me._"

I was then pulled into a deep underscarab kiss with a serpent of my dreams. I had rebelled against my father with dating girls and looking for a wife.

This was my real wife.


End file.
